Thoughts for Thursdays - Sibling Relationships

How often do you hear parents talk about how their children fight ALL the time? I here this quite often. Although my guys do fight, it's not all the time. On the contrary, they get along very well. They both share a bedroom and sleep in bunk beds. That's all by choice. Perhaps it's in part due to their chemistry but, I also think how they are raised plays a role in their special relationship as well.

Positive sibling bonds can be formed from the very beginning. As parents, we can help shape these bonds. I hear so many people tell their older children right from the start, when they are expecting a new baby. Nine months is a long time to wait as a parent, there is so much emotion and anticipation. For children, who really aren't old enough to grasp the concept of time, nine months can seem like eternity. Therefore, I think resentment can build up in this period of waiting for children. Of course, older sibling can and should be included in this happy time, but I think their little minds are not able to withstand this waiting. I think holding off a little while to tell children about the new baby coming can yield more positive results. Similarly would you start hyping a young child for Christmas starting in April? That would be way too long. It is definitely helpful to talk about the new baby before his or her arrival but perhaps it is more positive to do it more closer to the baby's due date.

From my experience, some of these parents are the first to say their older child/children are so jealous when the baby arrives. First and foremost, it is very common and natural for an older sibling to show some jealousy, however by talking about jealousy in front of them, they are only making it worse. Sometimes assuming it's going to happen, makes it happen. I think including the older child as much as possible in caring for the infant fosters that special sibling bond. I think if you do this at their pace, in due time the older child will feel like the baby has always been a part of their family. "Family" this word brings me to my next point.

Though I feel its important to spend some individual time with children, with the addition of each child a "family" is growing. To foster healthy sibling relationships, it's important to emphasize the family unit. Too many times, parents just accept that their children "just don't get along." They therefore do everything they can do keep them apart. So often I see family's that always split up. The mother takes one or a couple of the children and the father does the same. Though this might be effective in splitting up house hold chores or errands, I think that as a family it's important to do things all together. The worst spoiler of children's relationships is to always separate them just because you anticipate a fight. Children must learn to get along with each other. They will have their fights. That's normal but, they need to interact enough with each other to learn how to work things out. These are learned skills but can be facilitated by parents.

In sum, children need some guidance from parents when it comes to their relationships. Growing up with sisters, we had our spats. Most often they were verbal and embarrassingly enough sometimes they were physical (thankfully not often!) We fought over clothes, boyfriends, the phone, the television, etc All three of us shared one room (yes, crazy!) However, my parents always emphasized working things out and forgiving each other. They tried not to take sides, but they did encourage us to get over things. I am thankful for that. To this day, my two best friends are my sisters, and I hope my boys can say that still when they are adults.